From One Adventure to Another

This year in Germany has been an amazing journey and I am so unbelievably grateful to those who supported me in Germany and from the States throughout my time here. I will be forever changed by the things I learned here about myself and about life from my neighbors, from my students, from my surroundings, and most of all from Alfons.

So now it's time to go back to where I belong, in a country that understands me and smiles back.

I have no details yet about my future as this decision was just made and I'm still grieving about what I'm walking away from here, but all I know is it's time I must wrap up the last chapter of this adventure and begin writing a new chapter soon about life's next adventure.

Thanks to everyone, especially Alfons, for everything you've done for me!!!

One Year Today

I landed in Stuttgart, Germany one year ago today. My what a year it has been! I have learned a ton about myself and about the world. And while I can't sum up everything I've learned in one post, I thought the best thing to do today would be to post an excerpt from a book I recently read about German culture. I have found these ideas to ring unbelievably true.

Rules for Dealing with Germans

Everyone is not alike!

1. Remember that Germans really hate rule breakers!

2. Germans and Americans do not think and act alike in social and business situations – especially in first encounters. Get over the myth that “we’re all basically alike.” It sounds good, but this mind-set is counterproductive.

3. Germans tend to be blunt, frank, and – to Anglo-American eyes – tactless in certain situations. They tend to correct you when you don’t want to be corrected. That’s because they are primarily concerned with exchanging facts and information, not “warm fuzziness.” Since they also do this with other Germans, try to understand that you have not been singled out for special treatment.

4. Germans aren’t into “idle chatter.” They don’t really care if you “have a nice day” (an expression they view as a symbol of American “superficiality”), and they don’t want to talk about (a) their jobs, (b) their kids or family, or (c) the weather with a stranger (i.e., anyone they haven’t known for at least a year or more). Such conversation is reserved for close friends.

5. Both the German language and the Germans draw a clear line between Freunde (friend) and Bekannter (acquaintance) and between private (home) and public (work). You are on Bekannter terms with the formal “you” until your German counterpart says otherwise. This is one of the most difficult rules for easygoing, just-call-me-Bob Americans to truly grasp and internalize.

6. Germans have been known to smile, but unnecessary smiling is frowned on. A German needs a good reason to smile. In fact, excessive smiling for most Europeans is an indication of weak-mindedness. Don’t overdo smiling around Germans. At heart, Germans are pessimists, and they enjoy their pessimism. Don’t deprive them of that pleasure. Corollary to Rule 6: Never try to tell a joke in German. Leave this to the professionals. Germans have a sense of humor, but it has no resemblance to either the American or British variety. It takes many years to delve into the German sense of humor.

7. Learn to accept Rules 1 through 6. Don’t think you can (or should) change people. Learn to adjust to them, rather than expecting them to adjust to you. If you react with indignation or anger, even privately, then you are displaying a profound lack of understanding of the culture in which you’re trying to function.

There are a few Germans who don’t fit the preceding rules, but all six of them are now living in the United States or Canada.

From: When in Germany, Do as the Germans Do: The Clued-In Guide to German Life, Language, and Culture
By: Hyde Flippo

If you don't have something nice to say...

Did anyone ever advise you as a child, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?" I heard that all the time as I blabbed anything that came to mind when I was young. The adults in my life were teaching me how to filter my thoughts and keep from hurting other people's feelings...I think.

Well, that mantra is not appreciated or understood here in Germany. In fact, it could be a big reason why many Europeans view Americans as "fake." Many Germans I know feel that Americans would rather lie to you than tell you something negative, but they don't know our mantra from above. Children here in Germany are taught to just toughen up and take the honest criticism without crying. It's expected and not considered inappropriate to tell people how you really feel. There's no sugar coating necessary and it's your parents' fault if you are too sensitive.

Later in my life (thanks to good mentors), I learned how to express negative information in a fairly tactful way...although it still sometimes hurts feelings and of course my definition of tactful may differ from others'. I do think it's important to be honest in life, but there is also no reason to hurt feelings if you can avoid it, right?

So, now it's time to think about the implications of being honest vs. a forced positive response. Are there times when one is better than the other, or should we strive to be consistent in our opinion giving efforts? If we must choose, which is better across cultures?

I honestly believe most Americans would come to Germany and quickly get their feelings hurt by the harsh reality of other's opinions. So is it something I am supposed to learn and accept or do I seek the easy road of gumdrops and cherries asking only Americans to be my friends here?

"Wifeless" Marriage

I couldn't sleep last night and was watching Oprah at midnight (in English with German subtitles). The show was about how marriage differs around the world. They interviewed Indian couples whose marriages had been arranged, Ukraine women who had found husbands through mail-order-bride websites, and Egyptian women who must go to court to get divorced while their husbands can merely exclaim they want a divorce three times out loud and it's done. The cultural differences were extreme and I was amazed to learn that 60% of marriages across the world are arranged with only a "hope" of loving your spouse someday. That's quite far from the American "marry of love" mantra.

Oprah also interviewed the author of "Eat, Pray, Love" who just published a new book called "Committed." The author explained that a "traditional" marriage in America is what we all picture from the '50s, but that this "traditional" marriage is merely a fairytale. She said most marriages today are "wifeless." The moms want to work and be equal, but the men don't want to pick up any of the slack while she's at the office. Everyone wants to be married, but no one wants to be the "wife" anymore.

Some folks also discussed the broader idea that many people (both men and women) don't want to fulfill the "traditional" roles in a marriage, but they still expect their partners to fulfill the role of the opposite sex. This leads to many disappointed people in the end.

As I'm inching toward 30 and considering what my future will hold, this was an extremely eye-opening perspective and explanation of a "traditional" marriage. Lots to think about.

Reactions to Bin Laden's Death

While eating breakfast one morning, I turned on CNN to hear the news that Osama Bin Laden had been shot dead by US special forces. I felt an immediate sense of relief and it nearly brought a tear to my eye as I realized the incredible closure that would bring for so many affected by the tragedy ten years ago.

I had to teach later that morning and one student asked if I had heard the news. I told him I had and that I almost cried when I heard the news. He responded by asking "You're HAPPY a man was killed?" I was so taken aback and didn't know how to respond. Of course, I wasn't "happy," so I took a breath and explained as diplomatically as possible that thousands of Americans lost their mothers, sons, brothers and friends in 2001 and this is something we've waited for for ten years. The students just shook their heads in disbelief that I was okay with how the situation was handled by the military.

In Germany, capital punishment was abolished many, many years ago and the general mentality here is that there's no justifiable reason to take anyone's life...even that of an enemy. Some Americans certainly feel that way as well, but I would say the most common opinion in America is that one murder doesn't deserve the death penalty, while a planned mass murder, such as what happened on 9/11, is justifiable.

So I described that perspective to the students and explained that we still have the death penalty. They still didn't budge and had a very judgmental look on their faces as if we are WAY behind the times.

While most folks here are not too moved by the news, a few German folks I know said things like, "Oh thanks, USA. Now Germany has to ramp up security in fear of retaliation too, since we've been on your side this whole time."

I think it's interesting that no one here has said "good job, US" or "it's about time," which seems to be the general sentiments from home (based on the FB posts I'm reading).